When clarity creates conflict
Maybe ignorance really is bliss?
You ever wish that you could un-see something and move on with your life?
Sometimes I feel that way about my friendships. It’s not them, it’s me—I’m becoming more aware of the dynamics in relationships that mean a lot to me, and reckoning with what I want to be true moving forward.
In a lot of ways, friendships are mirrors—when you watch closely and listen carefully, you learn more about yourself. The type of people that you attract, the situations that you experience, and the conflicts that emerge are in part a result of who you are and how you show up in the world.
As I’ve healed, I’ve gained more clarity about my place in the world. Clarity doesn’t always bring immediate peace. Sometimes clarity creates conflict, breeds resentment, or creates distance between people. Sometimes I wonder if clarity can actually be a bad thing.
Some days, I’m thankful for the deeper levels of insight that come with life experience—but on other days, I really feel like ignorance might be the path to bliss. I just wanna un-see everything and go back to the days where I had a bunch of friends for the simple fact that we were in the same first period class together.
I can’t un-see what I’ve seen, though. At best, I can push it to the back of my memory, but I’ll still remember. And the things that I’m trying to forget will still shape the way that I show up in relationship with other people.
My mantra for 2023 was “what matters,” and it might end up being a lifelong mantra because it’s still relevant. In this instance, what matters to me is my ability to appreciate the good in any relationship, while being aware of the bad.
My therapist pushed me on this—for a while, I kept swinging back and forth between two extremes. I would ignore all the red flags and be the people-pleasing friend, but then I would hit my limit and ghost. Then, I’d realize how many people I had pushed away and become the people-pleasing friend, again.
My current resting place is between those two extremes, in a space that balances awareness and acceptance.
I’m in a space where I know that life is short, and that knowledge makes me want to live my life in community with my people, today, instead of forcing myself into self-imposed isolation because of inevitable imperfections.
I’m in a space where I know that nobody’s perfect, including myself.
I’m in a space where I know that I can focus on the good, while being aware of the bad.
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