The peace that you deserve

Sometimes there’s not enough meditation, prayer, or journaling to keep the heaviness away.

Last week, I had to hide my face from my daughter so that she couldn’t see the tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t want to be sad or depressed in that moment—I just wanted to take my daughter to school. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want consolation. I just wanted to be ok.

In that moment, I was carrying not one, but two heavy weights on my shoulders—the weight of my depression, and the weight of the shame that I had attached to my depression. Sometimes there’s not enough meditation, prayer, or journaling to keep the heaviness away. And while I know this when I’m feeling at peace, it’s a lot harder for me to give grace to myself when I’m at my lowest points.

It’s hard for me to function when I’m depressed. I don’t communicate clearly, my short term memory is almost non-existent, and my problem-solving skills disappear.  It’s not that I’m consciously choosing to give up, it’s that—just like with any other illness—my body is expending a ton of energy to heal itself.

But my people helped me pull through. Some knew exactly what I was going through. And while a lot of my friends couldn’t directly relate to what I was experiencing, but just seeing their names popping up in my phone meant a lot. I’m thankful that I don’t have to fight these battles by myself. Healing is a communal act.

That’s part of why I write—to help people know that they don’t have to heal in solitude.

When I write, I process in real time. I talk about healing because I am healing. I talk about self-love because I am still learning how to love myself. I talk about some of my most difficult experiences because processing and sharing helps me to find closure. I write with the hopes of removing some of the stigma that we have attached to talking about our low points.

Being depressed doesn’t make you a bad or weak person—depression is a medical illness. I hope you know that conditions change. I hope you know that time does bring deeper understanding. And I hope you know that there are multitudes of people—people who have been through the same struggles you’re experiencing—who are cheering for you as you continue to seek out the peace that you deserve.

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To be streamed:

I am the host of an interview podcast called After You Fail that seeks to help us to be more kind to ourselves. My latest guest, Ehime Ora, is a Nigerian writer, priestess, and educator who seeks to help us to reconnect with ourselves. She has also navigated multiple seasons of life where she has lost sight of herself.

In this conversation, Ehime talks with host Michell C. Clark about how her desire to be loved led her astray, and how her connection with herself helped her to heal and recover. Ehime and Michell also talk about the philosophy of writing, navigating New York City while neuro-divergent, and how creativity and spirituality go hand in hand.

Watch episode two below, or stream via Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

To be read:

It’s On Me, by

Sara Kuburic

Owning Our Struggles, by

Minaa B.