Stepping Back Into The Light

A season of doubt has preceded every moment of clarity that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve questioned myself. I’ve questioned my decisions. I’ve questioned God. And during every season of doubt, I’ve had a moment with myself that no one else has known about, when I’ve asked myself if it would just be easier to stop trying, altogether.

I don’t hear anyone else’s voice during these private moments. I speak to God often, but when fear and self-doubt are at their loudest, it’s hard to get in touch with the source—it’s just me, myself, and my uncertainty. I appreciate the love and encouragement from the people who are closest to me, but it’s hard to absorb everything they’re saying when I’m actively wrestling with demons that they’ve never seen.

It’s like sitting alone in a pitch-black, soundproof room. There are loved ones, opportunities, and blessings waiting for me outside, but I’m the only one who can push the door open wide enough to let the light back in. I’ve spent multiple seasons of my life inside of this room, and I don’t know how I found the strength to open the door—but I’ve done it, over and over again.

Every time that I push back against the weight of that door, I feel multiple generations worth of wear and tear on the hinges. But when I step back into the light, I step back into clarity.  All of a sudden, I can see the people who never stopped loving me. I see opportunities. I see second chances. I see grace. I see love.

I see myself, and I see God. And I realize that I was never actually alone in that room.