I wrote this when I felt ashamed..
This is page 226 of my book.
I didn’t choose to write this—it spilled out of me one night, at a point when I would have been asleep already if guilt hadn’t been weighing down so heavily on my chest.
I had another early morning on the way, but my mind kept insisting that I stay awake for yet another trip down memory lane, so that I could beat myself up over choices that I had already made.
Writing is a form of self-care for me—it gives me a safe and private space to clarify my thoughts and decide how I want to move forward with my life as I navigate the blurred lines that I have to contend with as a human being surviving capitalism.
That night, as I sat with and wrote through the thoughts that wouldn’t let me rest, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me as I thought about the people I let down when my judgement was clouded and my priorities were out of line.
I felt a wave of shame as I thought about how I could have been a better friend, a better husband, a better father, a better human.
These aren’t the kind of emotions that you can let go of in the blink of an eye—you have to sit with them, first. That night, as I sat with my shame, a new thought came into my head—I realized that while the situations I was processing were old, the emotions I was processing were new—because I was no longer the person who had made those mistakes. I had experienced more. I knew more. I knew better.
Time had provided me with a new vantage point—one that gave me a clear line of sight into the ways in which I had been living out of alignment with who I am at my core. Had I known then what I know now, I would have operated differently.
I only knew that I had made mistakes because I was looking at what happened from a different vantage point rooted in new experiences and new insights.
This revelation helped me to climb out of the pit of shame that I had been sitting in—and it’s what led me to write this page of my book, Eyes On The Road.
It’s meant to be a reminder of the revelation that came to me late that night—that we don’t need to spend the rest of our lives beating ourselves up for well-intentioned mistakes when we can choose to move forward and do better with the additional insight that our experiences have given us.
It’s meant to be a reminder that we’re allowed to let go of the past, so that we can use the present moment to build a better future.
You can buy your copy of my book, Eyes On The Road, here.
Some personal news:
I’m co-hosting my first wellness retreat with my friend Pilin Anice! Pilin is an experienced health coach, artist, commercial model, MIRROR trainer, and lululemon ambassador.
The retreat is called “Reflect & Reconnect,” and it’s taking place from February 23rd - 25th at the prestigious Kripalu Institute in Stockbridge, Massachusetts. I’ll be leading affirmation and visualization exercises, among with some other activations rooted in wellness and community-building. I’d love to meet you in person!
Learn more here.
I deeply appreciate you and the things you share. Thank you.
this is exactly what I need to hear rn, thank you🫶🏻💧